I’ve set out to create the ultimate baseball team, made up entirely of fictional players.
I know it’s been done before, but I’m confident this squad I’m about to assemble is the very best. The only problem is that these players might kill each other.
Lot of big egos in this clubhouse. Alpha males at every position. Let’s talk about how this team was put together.
The Front Office
Billy Heywood. “Little Big League”
Young Billy is the General Manager and the entire analytics department. One of the greatest minds that the game has ever known, Heywood has put together a juggernaut.
We thought about making him the manager, but decided it was best to keep Billy in the front office. He wears his heart on his sleeve at times, and it affects his judgement. For example, he famously benched his star first baseman, Lou Collins for banging his mom.
Lou Brown “Major League”
Brown is a no-nonsense “baseball guy” who has a penchant for getting the most out of his players. He could potentially rub some of his players the wrong way. You always know where you stand with him though. If you’ll excuse me, I have someone on the other line asking about some whitewalls.
Larry Hockett “Durham Bulls”
His laid back attitude helps to calm his pitchers down on the mound. Also, he knows that candlesticks make a great wedding gift.
Uchiyama “Mr. Baseball”
As we said, there are a lot of big egos on this team. Not only that, we have a lot of different personalities. Each and every player comes from a different walk of life. Who better to find common ground than Uchiyama?
Jake Taylor “Major League”
This grizzled veteran would be a great presence in the clubhouse and the pen. Whether it’s a young stud like Rick Vaughn or a veteran with a huge ego like Roger Dorn, Taylor would make sure everyone knows the ultimate goal. “To Win The Whole Fucking Thing!”
Jack Parkman “Major League”
Jack Parkman’s shimmy makes the ladies in Cleveland want to puke. He probably won’t make many friends in the dugout, but he seems to hit a 3 run homerun every time he steps to the plate.
Clu Haywood “Major League”
The Indian killer. Bob Uecker announced that the Yankees cleanup hitter won the Triple Crown the previous year, hitting .341 with 48 homeruns and 121 RBIs. He shows no signs of slowing down .
Mickey Scales “Little Big League”
Sure. The speedy Scales comes through in big moments. Remember when he hit the 3 run homerun off Randy Johnson? But when all the Twins were skeptical of young Billy Heywood becoming the manager, it was Scales who came to his defense. Team first guy right here.
Benny The Jet Rodriguez “Sandlot“
So many great baseball movies have been made. But how many shortstops can you name? I can name exactly zero, so I’ve decided to put one of the most iconic fictional baseball players there. I feel like he is versatile enough to play everywhere, and ballsy enough to steal home .
Sam Tuttle “For Love Of The Game”
Ok. Sam Tuttle might not be the first name that comes to mind when you think of fictional baseball characters. But the guy can play. Vin Scully tells us that Tuttle has put together three straight 30/30 campaigns. In the season depicted in the film, Tuttle has an impressive line of .300 39 homeruns and 98 Rbis. According to Billy Chapel, “everything is a God dammed debate” with Tuttle, but I think he’ll fit in just fine.
T-Rex Pennebaker “Mr. 3000”
Meet our leadoff hitter. A perennial 40-40 threat, and the cover boy for MVP Baseball (best game ever.)
Bobby Rayburn “The Fan”
I know that a lot of people would choose Willy Mays Hayes here. But come on. Bobby? Bobby! (Read that in Robert Deniro’s voice.) Bobby Rayburn is the three time NL MVP and three time RBI champ. Plus, our manager thinks Hayes hits like shit.
Roy Hobbs “The Natural”
The title of the movie says it all. Hobbs is The Natural. Also, if you remember, Hobbs struck out “The Whammer” with ease, so meet our Shohei Ohtani. Hobbs will split his time between the outfield and the pitching mound.
Billy Chapel “For Love Of The Game“
If Vin Scully is to be believed, (and why wouldn’t he be?) Chapel is one of the best pitchers ever. Chapel came up short of the 300 win mark, but passed the 3000 strikeout mark, and finished with a 2.95 earned run average and a 1.15 WHIP. The Tiger trainer also says that Chapel has won every award there is to win, so there’s that.
Nuke Laloosh “Bull Durham”
We know that Laloosh has the talent and raw skills to succeed. After receiving some advice and direction from his minor league catcher who looks very similar to Billy Chapel, and some sex from an old hooker, he’s ready to go.
Carlos “The Benchwarmers”
Live from the Dominican Republic is our next starting pitcher. Carlos. He definitely has some demons, but if we can keep him away from the bottle, we’ll be in great shape.
Rigo Sanchez “Trouble With The Curve”
Okay, I’m taking a shot here. For some reason, almost every fictional pitcher is washed up and pitching in their last season before retirement. Sanchez does show promise though. He takes care of top prospect Bo Gentry pretty easily. You may ask how Bo Gentry became a top prospect while not being able to hit a breaking ball. I don’t have the answer to that.
Jim Bowers “Little Big League”
Bit of a quirky character. Very thoughtful young man. Often the voice of reason, which will be necessary once you see who else is in this bullpen.
Kenny Powers “Eastbound And Down”
Entering the TV world for the first time gives us our biggest wildcard. HBO released Powers’ baseball cards a while back. In 2002, he racked up 106 strikeouts in only 67 innings, notching 49 saves while posting a 2.85 ERA. After that season, he became a free agent, offering up these words at a press conference. “Atlanta, you’re f*cking out. Kenny Powers is now a free agent. Buy a bar and get sh*t faced. Get me paid, bitch… Superstar!”
The Duke “Major League”
What can you say about the Duke? 147 strikeouts in 118 innings, a 1.37 ERA. Perfect bridge to our closer…
Rick “WildThing” Vaughn “Major League”
From the California Penal League into our hearts. Who else would you want running out of the bullpen to close out games for you?
How did we do? Sound off in the comments!
RIP G BABY