Hire Me Rob Manfred!

I love baseball.

In my opinion, the sport is America’s greatest invention. Nothing would make me happier than to earn a living with a job in baseball.

So, I have some ideas that I hope will get me on commissioner Rob Manfred’s good side. I see his vision for the sport, and I think I have some ideas that would be right up his alley.

Here we go…

ALL PLAYERS WOULD      WEAR ICE SKATES

Imagine how much ground Billy Hamilton would cover in center field! Think of the first base coach being covered in shaved ice after a runner scrambles back to the bag on a pickoff attempt.

That’s entertainment, baby!

Let’s not stop there…

• Goal horn sounds for all extra base hits
• Players who commit errors get sent to penalty box
• Players who strike out can attempt a triple axel. Judges would grade the attempt on it’s skill, footwork, performance, interpretation, overall execution, choreography and timing. A score of 9 or above would earn the hitter another strike.

HITTERS USE METAL          BATS

We don’t want pitcher’s duels. (BOOORINGG.) Let’s give credit where it’s due. The juiced ball was brilliant. Let’s take it a step further. Here are some of my proposed rule changes that I think the commissioner will love.

• Pitchers will throw underhand. Any pitcher who tries to put any spin on the pitch will be disciplined, swiftly and harshly. (This isn’t like players using video monitors to steal signs. This is serious. Anyone found attempting to strike hitters out will be dealt with to the fullest extent of the law.)
• No fielders. Children will man the outfield just like in the home run derby. Players who would have normally been in the field will provide live commentary in the dugout. Just like in the NBA Slam Dunk Contest.
• Hey, fans! You make the lineup! By texting your favorite player’s name to 96643, you’re in control! (Standard text messaging rates apply.)
• The World Series rosters will also be decided by the fans. Well, the fans, Ariana Grande and Billie Eilish! Help these two captains select their squads!

So, what do you think? Do I have the job commissioner? If the goal is cater to people who don’t care about the game to begin with, I think I hit a HOME RUN!